Kerabu Mangga Muda

I feel like writing in Malay. Sort of. [introducing; Bahasa Andaku]







Kini adalah cuti traimester. Dahsyat konsep cuti ini, kerana adalah bosan segala duduki di rumah. Sesungguhnya berada di Melaka indah adalah "JAUH" lebih gah dan seronok. [Hmmm. Tiada pernah menhargai jasa baik budi Melaka...] Nasib baik perkara cuti di MMU adalah pendek dan tiada panjang melarat seolah IPTA segala. Yakni, maka nasib baik ke IPTS, begitu.

** My brothers "geleng-kepale-ed" when they heard me, Mak Yam and Diana S[y]akila talk like this. They said "patotlah amek law, cakap laju gile..." ***Diana bukannye amek law pon die nak jadi askar!

Ok. This feels weird. [some people are just not meant to write in Malay. Just as some people are not meant to write in English. Hmmm. Begitu.]


As I was saying [sort of], I hate the holidays... I mean, I basically am broke [?], and I live in a ghost town, so even if I had money, there would be no where to go... Am counting the days...






I never knew how secured I am... I always thought everyone felt the way I did. I mean, sure I may wake up one day and think, "God I'm black...", but then, I realise I'm asian, so yeah, naturally, I should be coloured... My point is, I've always felt comfortable in my body. I feel this way, because, well, there ARE people who are poorer, uglier, dumber [met a lot of those] than me...

*note to self; must be more cautious when teasing others, because people CAN be insecure.

Sorry for calling you short. I didn't realise how bad it would make you feel.





Low low low low... [this is not a reference to that "boobs with the fur" song.]

I have low expectations. Never expected money from my parents. Never targeted for an A. Never expected people to remember. Never thought of being loved. Never thought of being capable of loving. Never this, and never that.

I'm always satisfied with what I get...

I did not know that was a good trait. I mean, I was always happy with what I got,

but now...

What if there's more??? Don't I deserve more??? Is this as good as it gets?

I'm confused. Deeply. I feel like I've been lying to myself for 20 years.


Happy is NOT just accepting, as I just learnt, its expecting too...
........even if it does make you insane.

Maybe I am ugly dumb and poor. I should expect for more...




"Anda adalah mati tanpa *, tetapi * adalah LEBIH mati tanpa anda..."


That got me thinking [I hate thinking...].

Do they WANT me? Or do they NEED me??? I goddamnlove them. But I can't help feeling used.

*note to self; being a doormat sucks, but it DOES have its perks...

Thank you Mak Yam, even if you did call me Ayam.


Enough of this. I wanna eat some cake and stare into the mirror.

Sorry for wasting your time reading this. I suck.

p/s: saya dapat B3 untuk Bahasa Melayu masa SPM lalala.